Now all my dreams have come true

Dear Sister, a couple years ago you forced me to watch American Idol. And by force, I mean you turned it on and I couldn't turn away. And yes, that was the year of Sanjaya. Just when I thought I could file that experience under "Things that make me want to claw my eyes out," he's back - and I'm so afraid.

And no, no one should ever title their first single as such - because he's the only one who cares about the music in his head.

Gosh, Dear Sister, you'd better get thee to an eye doctor today, because between the burning and the clawing, I'm guessing it's going to take more than Visine to get the red out. But alas, I digress.

Let's be honest: Sanjaya's luscious locks and exorbitant eyebrows - not to mention that 14-year-old facial scruff - are simply too magnetic to resist. If the music in his head is manifesting itself in the hair on his head, then I say dance. Dance! Dance like you've never danced before...

Oh, Pixie Geldof

Dear Sister, my eyes are burning....BURNING.

Oh Dear Sister. Next time I hope Pixie "Stix" with one print!

I Want One!

Oh Dear Sister, how precious is this? An earless rabbit! Okay, so his ears are probably missing because his mother bit them off shortly after he was born, but he surely doesn't remember that tragedy. He was too little. And now he's just so pwecious...

Dear Sister, I 'ear ya on that one.

Addendum: Oh no you di'in't!

A Kitty Kristmas

Dear Sister, I wanted to help you out this Christmas with a um, I'll go with "unique," idea from this website. Don't all kitties lurve these?

On second thought - good thing my kitty's been declawed - or I would probably be bleeding if I tried to put this on him.

Oh Dear Sister, don't be silly! Of course cats love wearing ridiculous wigs on their heads. Why just the other three months ago, I placed purple pigtails on a-cat-who-shall-remain-nameless's head and he simply loved it. We're talking purr city here. Doesn't he look happy?

It's Christmas, not Halloween, right?

Dear Sister, Ugh, I'm so confused. I thought Katie Holmes is turning 30...but she looks sort of well, old, in this picture. Old, and slightly possessed - like somehow holding her eyes really open will camouflage the huge bags underneath them. Oh, and is their another remake of The Omen that I don't know about? Because I think Suri is auditioning for it in this picture.

Seriously, Dear Sister. I haven't seen this much "Evil Eye" since Socrates and his Blepedaimones challenged the wisdom of the Oracle at Delphi. Or something like that.

My recommendation? Two slices of cucumber, a hearty grilled-cheese sandwich, and some nail-polish remover for the little one. Oh, and ditch the blanket. It's so 2008.

Smells like desperation

Dear sister, girl next door my a**. She decrees that she doesn't want attention and then she poses like this on the cover of a men's magazine. She's a "strong, independent" woman, but she can't stop talking about Brangelina. She wants to be known for her career, but all she makes is painfully bad movies. I want to throw up a little bit every time I hear her speak, because she's so whiny I can almost here the the women's movement taking two steps back....Dear sister - what do you advise?

Dear sister, here's what I advise: a bigger tie.

Best. Gifts. Ever.

All I want for Christmas, Dear Sister, is a fake gift. Like these available from the Onion Store.

This fine selection includes the following: (1) USB Toaster, (1) iFeast, (1) Kleen•Stride, (1) Visorganizer, (1) Peaceful Progression Smoke Alarm, (1) Auto Power Strip. What, no trees that grow spaghetti? No frozen Left-Handed Whoppers? I think those would make great additions...

Dear Sister - Oh no! That's all you want for Christmas? But I was going to get you these:

According to Jessica Simpson, they're the height of fashion. Well, now that I think about it - it's still a fake gift - because no one in their right mine would consider these as actual shoes. I think they match the USB Toaster brilliantly!

Read My Lips

It shouldn't be hard, dear sister, since I'm wearing them on my finger! Add a bit of Barbie bling with these one-of-a-kind jewelry pieces from Margaux Lange. Just don't expect this kind of style to come cheap.

Barbie Beach Party Teresa Doll from Toys "R" Us: $6.49.

Pink Barbie Smile Ring: $140.00.

Getting someone to kiss your ring: Priceless.

Dear Sister, I know that you always have your ear to the ground for the latest fad, and for that skill, I would give an arm. But don't forget, when spreading the trends by word of mouth, try not to be a boob about it.

Really?

Yes, dear sister. Really...

BoGo gone wrong

Totes my dear sister, I agree with you on Michelle Obama's choice on red. Though I hardly noticed that night as part of the mass of humanity in Grant Park, but I can only surmise that perhaps Michelle was reclaiming the color red - she is going to OWN that color...own it!!


What I cannot find a reason to is this fun confection of something. I'm drug free and proud, but this outfit makes me doubt that decision.

Dear Sister, I love BoGo time at Payless as much as the next saavy shopper, but never has it crossed my mind to wear one of each at the same time...at least not in the past few months. I'm sure there's a fashion statement in here somewhere, but I can't get past all the patterns and colors. I think perhaps I prefer when Joss Stone chooses to wear no shoes at all on the carpet?

Oh Dear Sister, I...uh...well. Okay, let's just say that- Wait, let me start over. I... For example...

I give up. Words fail me.