I just threw up in my mouth a little

Dear Sister,

I think Skeletor has lost some weight...or am I just imagining it? George Romero making a new zombie film?

It's a person, right?



Why do I feel like I need a donut?


Dear Sister: In the immortal words of one Homer Simpson, "Mmm...donuts."  Yes, perhaps Ms. Zoe should engage with the Lard Lad a bit more, but let's be honest: how else would she manage to cut down on dry cleaning bills and scrub her laundry on her very own clavicle?  She would not, I tell you.

Dawson's Darling's De-Pantsed

Dear Sister,

I might consider halting my criticism of Mrs. Cruise, but when she walks around looking like Tinkerbell's older, worn-out cousin that has two mortgages and a drug problem, I just can't help myself...

Dear Sister: I see London, I see France, I see Joey Potter's underpants.

Let us never speak of this again.

Food, meet mouth.

Dear Sister,

Why for the love of all that is sacred and holy are small children allowed to eat food like this? It isn't cute or endearing...it's messy and irritating.

Also, why do I feel like Suri's looking at me with the eyes of an old woman?

Oh Dear Sister, where to begin? First of all, eating like a primate is no longer allowed once one is old enough to order a pain du chocolat on ones own at the patisserie. Second, a gleaming robot mother does nothing to discourage such behavior. Third, I believe the old-woman eyes to which you are referring are these:
Drag Me To Hell indeed.

De-pantsing, Stage right, Stat!

Oh Dear Sister, this outfit. This outfit. I mean, the top would perhaps be acceptable with a pencil skirt and a simple pair of pumps. But the pants would be good with...nothing.

Dear Sister, Au contraire, these pants would go beautifully with propane and a match.

[Insert Clever Title Here]

I'm left agog, Dear Sister, or rather - I should say a"Gaga" - at the sight of these boots. Nine, count 'em NINE sets of laces are there...and that's just the front! Do note that the back laces up, too! I couldn't even come up with a witty title for this posting because I'm left so friggin' speechless.

Chere sister, since I'm speechless as well, I will rely on the infamous wisdom of Ludacris:

I'ts a Ho wide world, that we livin' in

Feline feminine fantastical women

Not all, just some

You Ho who you are

There's Ho's in the room, there's Ho's in the car

There's Ho's on stage, there's Ho's by the bar

Ho's by near and Ho's by far...

Dear Sis, I think you get the point...

Addendum: Ho yes I do!

Someone Save the Children

Dear Sister,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when one is promoting a children's clothing line, one doesn't usually actually wear the clothing meant for the children, correct? I'm quite confused.

Oh Dear Sister, I believe what we have here is an extreme case of Giantism, no? Those are actually full-size horses and Katie Price is just so tall the clothes only appear to be child-sized on her Amazonian frame. At least I'm pretty sure that's what's going on...

My Little Pony

SJP is so cute when she tries hard. Hence, these shoes:

Dear Sister, to this trend I say both "nay" and "neigh."

Oh Dear Sister, I see your bad pun and raise you a haiku:

Sarah Jessica
Why the leather cloven hoof?
Quit horsing around

Oh, Pixie Geldof

Dear Sister, my eyes are burning....BURNING.

Oh Dear Sister. Next time I hope Pixie "Stix" with one print!

It's Christmas, not Halloween, right?

Dear Sister, Ugh, I'm so confused. I thought Katie Holmes is turning 30...but she looks sort of well, old, in this picture. Old, and slightly possessed - like somehow holding her eyes really open will camouflage the huge bags underneath them. Oh, and is their another remake of The Omen that I don't know about? Because I think Suri is auditioning for it in this picture.

Seriously, Dear Sister. I haven't seen this much "Evil Eye" since Socrates and his Blepedaimones challenged the wisdom of the Oracle at Delphi. Or something like that.

My recommendation? Two slices of cucumber, a hearty grilled-cheese sandwich, and some nail-polish remover for the little one. Oh, and ditch the blanket. It's so 2008.

Smells like desperation

Dear sister, girl next door my a**. She decrees that she doesn't want attention and then she poses like this on the cover of a men's magazine. She's a "strong, independent" woman, but she can't stop talking about Brangelina. She wants to be known for her career, but all she makes is painfully bad movies. I want to throw up a little bit every time I hear her speak, because she's so whiny I can almost here the the women's movement taking two steps back....Dear sister - what do you advise?

Dear sister, here's what I advise: a bigger tie.

BoGo gone wrong

Totes my dear sister, I agree with you on Michelle Obama's choice on red. Though I hardly noticed that night as part of the mass of humanity in Grant Park, but I can only surmise that perhaps Michelle was reclaiming the color red - she is going to OWN that color...own it!!


What I cannot find a reason to is this fun confection of something. I'm drug free and proud, but this outfit makes me doubt that decision.

Dear Sister, I love BoGo time at Payless as much as the next saavy shopper, but never has it crossed my mind to wear one of each at the same time...at least not in the past few months. I'm sure there's a fashion statement in here somewhere, but I can't get past all the patterns and colors. I think perhaps I prefer when Joss Stone chooses to wear no shoes at all on the carpet?

Oh Dear Sister, I...uh...well. Okay, let's just say that- Wait, let me start over. I... For example...

I give up. Words fail me.