I CAN'T BELIEVE IT

I HAD NO IDEA THAT KANYE WAS MAKING A MOVIE. I MEAN AFTER HE METAPHORICALLY BEAT DOWN TAYLOR SWIFT, I THOUGHT HE'D LAY LOW, BUT DANG THAT MAN IS BACK AND MAKING MOVIES...I'M GONNA GET KANYE ON THIS POSTER...

Oh, wait...not Kanye? But the glasses, they're gold...and the whole thing is over the top. I mean...oh, another Sex & the City movie? Dang...

I'ma let you finish, Dear Sister, but Samantha has some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time.  Some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time!

Ok.  Carrie on.

Dawson's Darling's De-Pantsed

Dear Sister,

I might consider halting my criticism of Mrs. Cruise, but when she walks around looking like Tinkerbell's older, worn-out cousin that has two mortgages and a drug problem, I just can't help myself...

Dear Sister: I see London, I see France, I see Joey Potter's underpants.

Let us never speak of this again.

Food, meet mouth.

Dear Sister,

Why for the love of all that is sacred and holy are small children allowed to eat food like this? It isn't cute or endearing...it's messy and irritating.

Also, why do I feel like Suri's looking at me with the eyes of an old woman?

Oh Dear Sister, where to begin? First of all, eating like a primate is no longer allowed once one is old enough to order a pain du chocolat on ones own at the patisserie. Second, a gleaming robot mother does nothing to discourage such behavior. Third, I believe the old-woman eyes to which you are referring are these:
Drag Me To Hell indeed.

De-pantsing, Stage right, Stat!

Oh Dear Sister, this outfit. This outfit. I mean, the top would perhaps be acceptable with a pencil skirt and a simple pair of pumps. But the pants would be good with...nothing.

Dear Sister, Au contraire, these pants would go beautifully with propane and a match.

Dork-O and his Mutant Orange Date

Dear Sister,

I'm not sure what's going on here. Is Jessica Biel trying to match her skin to her dress? Has she done something to her face? Is Justin worried about wearing his contacts too late at night? And which one is the girl in the relationship again?

Oh Dear Sister, your question are painfully difficult to answer, but I'll try my best. In order of their being asked...

Yes.
Yes (see above).
No - clearly those are x-ray glasses a la Mission Impossible.
Wow - that's a tossup. Judging from her biceps and his overly moisturized skin, I'll have to go with...

Oooh! Shiiiineeeee...

[Insert Clever Title Here]

I'm left agog, Dear Sister, or rather - I should say a"Gaga" - at the sight of these boots. Nine, count 'em NINE sets of laces are there...and that's just the front! Do note that the back laces up, too! I couldn't even come up with a witty title for this posting because I'm left so friggin' speechless.

Chere sister, since I'm speechless as well, I will rely on the infamous wisdom of Ludacris:

I'ts a Ho wide world, that we livin' in

Feline feminine fantastical women

Not all, just some

You Ho who you are

There's Ho's in the room, there's Ho's in the car

There's Ho's on stage, there's Ho's by the bar

Ho's by near and Ho's by far...

Dear Sis, I think you get the point...

Addendum: Ho yes I do!

Flowbee Flub

Well shucks, Dear Sister, I know I've been one to extol the virtues of a good home haircut every now and again, but this looks like the unholy love child of a Flowbee devotee and Totally Hair Ken (replete with doll-size Dep Hair Gel). What was Kellie Pickler thinking?

I have no idea what she's thinking. Perhaps she's not - maybe she's tired or just can't keep her eyes open with all of that makeup. What I do know is now all she needs is a Snuggee!

Someone Save the Children

Dear Sister,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when one is promoting a children's clothing line, one doesn't usually actually wear the clothing meant for the children, correct? I'm quite confused.

Oh Dear Sister, I believe what we have here is an extreme case of Giantism, no? Those are actually full-size horses and Katie Price is just so tall the clothes only appear to be child-sized on her Amazonian frame. At least I'm pretty sure that's what's going on...

Now all my dreams have come true

Dear Sister, a couple years ago you forced me to watch American Idol. And by force, I mean you turned it on and I couldn't turn away. And yes, that was the year of Sanjaya. Just when I thought I could file that experience under "Things that make me want to claw my eyes out," he's back - and I'm so afraid.

And no, no one should ever title their first single as such - because he's the only one who cares about the music in his head.

Gosh, Dear Sister, you'd better get thee to an eye doctor today, because between the burning and the clawing, I'm guessing it's going to take more than Visine to get the red out. But alas, I digress.

Let's be honest: Sanjaya's luscious locks and exorbitant eyebrows - not to mention that 14-year-old facial scruff - are simply too magnetic to resist. If the music in his head is manifesting itself in the hair on his head, then I say dance. Dance! Dance like you've never danced before...

Oh, Pixie Geldof

Dear Sister, my eyes are burning....BURNING.

Oh Dear Sister. Next time I hope Pixie "Stix" with one print!

It's Christmas, not Halloween, right?

Dear Sister, Ugh, I'm so confused. I thought Katie Holmes is turning 30...but she looks sort of well, old, in this picture. Old, and slightly possessed - like somehow holding her eyes really open will camouflage the huge bags underneath them. Oh, and is their another remake of The Omen that I don't know about? Because I think Suri is auditioning for it in this picture.

Seriously, Dear Sister. I haven't seen this much "Evil Eye" since Socrates and his Blepedaimones challenged the wisdom of the Oracle at Delphi. Or something like that.

My recommendation? Two slices of cucumber, a hearty grilled-cheese sandwich, and some nail-polish remover for the little one. Oh, and ditch the blanket. It's so 2008.

Smells like desperation

Dear sister, girl next door my a**. She decrees that she doesn't want attention and then she poses like this on the cover of a men's magazine. She's a "strong, independent" woman, but she can't stop talking about Brangelina. She wants to be known for her career, but all she makes is painfully bad movies. I want to throw up a little bit every time I hear her speak, because she's so whiny I can almost here the the women's movement taking two steps back....Dear sister - what do you advise?

Dear sister, here's what I advise: a bigger tie.

BoGo gone wrong

Totes my dear sister, I agree with you on Michelle Obama's choice on red. Though I hardly noticed that night as part of the mass of humanity in Grant Park, but I can only surmise that perhaps Michelle was reclaiming the color red - she is going to OWN that color...own it!!


What I cannot find a reason to is this fun confection of something. I'm drug free and proud, but this outfit makes me doubt that decision.

Dear Sister, I love BoGo time at Payless as much as the next saavy shopper, but never has it crossed my mind to wear one of each at the same time...at least not in the past few months. I'm sure there's a fashion statement in here somewhere, but I can't get past all the patterns and colors. I think perhaps I prefer when Joss Stone chooses to wear no shoes at all on the carpet?

Oh Dear Sister, I...uh...well. Okay, let's just say that- Wait, let me start over. I... For example...

I give up. Words fail me.

Isn't she De-ugly?

Dear Sister: I think the doves did cry when they saw this cover image. I love Kate Winslet, she's totes awesome. But even she cannot carry the weird lion-mane hare, boring white coat, and overdone airbrushing. The accompanying article, "Isn’t She Deneuvely," is typical Kate - frank and interesting. But my dear fashionista sister, does this cover not make you say Quel horreur??

Oh, Dear Sister, an abomination indeed! And this from a woman who was "outraged" a few years back when GQ reduced her thighs to the size of my upper arms for their cover shoot. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Oh, and the FemBots called: they want their hair back.

Oh, and the Snow Queen called: she wants her coat back.

Oh, and Madonna from 1983 called: she wants her eyebrows back.

Oh, and I'm calling: I want those shoes. Those are actually really cool