Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part I

Oh Dear Sister! Look, we're both trying to lose weight right now, get healthier, be more active, all that jazz. So why don't we offer some of our best dieting and fitness tips? No, not the crappy, useless ones you'll find on all those *other* sites, but really useful, helpful information for real women, you know? I'll start...

1. Calling it "aioli" doesn't mask the fact that you're eating mayonnaise. And slathering it on a calorically deprived fungus for a "healthy" sandwich fools no one. Not even those fries sitting next to it on the plate. (Mmm...fries...)

2. Cheese does not have it's own category on the food pyramid. I even looked underneath. Nope, not there. But don't you wish it was, Dear Sister?

Oh, dear Sister, I agree - if only cheese fries had it's own category, it would be like the best of both worlds. Alas, my pining is for naught, so I will add two of my own fun weight loss tips:

3. Despite the fact that you should have at least 3 servings of grain and protein each day, that does not equal eating half a pizza by yourself at 10pm.

4. If after running to catch your bus you need a cool down and a fresh change of clothes, that should probably not be the only time you run during the week.

Someone Save the Children

Dear Sister,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when one is promoting a children's clothing line, one doesn't usually actually wear the clothing meant for the children, correct? I'm quite confused.

Oh Dear Sister, I believe what we have here is an extreme case of Giantism, no? Those are actually full-size horses and Katie Price is just so tall the clothes only appear to be child-sized on her Amazonian frame. At least I'm pretty sure that's what's going on...

Mirror, mirror on the...er, table?

Dear Sister,

I saw this and immediately thought of you and your love of mirrored furniture. I mean, what could be better than the ability to play ping pong while seeing the reflection of the world around you...too bad this fabulous apartment addition is stuck as part of of the "Reflection" exhibit by Argentinian artist Rirkrit Tiravanija at the Nyehaus Gallery in New York. One can dream, sis, one can dream.

Oh dear sister, I knew Rirkit was going to pull something like this! The last time we talked - at the Galerie für Zeitgenössische Kunst in Leipzig - I challenged him to, and I quote, "Reflect on the sport made popular by Hamley's of Regent Street." Little did I know he'd take me so literally!

I must say, I'm slightly embarassed, but just a tiny bit flattered...

Now all my dreams have come true

Dear Sister, a couple years ago you forced me to watch American Idol. And by force, I mean you turned it on and I couldn't turn away. And yes, that was the year of Sanjaya. Just when I thought I could file that experience under "Things that make me want to claw my eyes out," he's back - and I'm so afraid.

And no, no one should ever title their first single as such - because he's the only one who cares about the music in his head.

Gosh, Dear Sister, you'd better get thee to an eye doctor today, because between the burning and the clawing, I'm guessing it's going to take more than Visine to get the red out. But alas, I digress.

Let's be honest: Sanjaya's luscious locks and exorbitant eyebrows - not to mention that 14-year-old facial scruff - are simply too magnetic to resist. If the music in his head is manifesting itself in the hair on his head, then I say dance. Dance! Dance like you've never danced before...

A Kitty Kristmas

Dear Sister, I wanted to help you out this Christmas with a um, I'll go with "unique," idea from this website. Don't all kitties lurve these?

On second thought - good thing my kitty's been declawed - or I would probably be bleeding if I tried to put this on him.

Oh Dear Sister, don't be silly! Of course cats love wearing ridiculous wigs on their heads. Why just the other three months ago, I placed purple pigtails on a-cat-who-shall-remain-nameless's head and he simply loved it. We're talking purr city here. Doesn't he look happy?

It's Christmas, not Halloween, right?

Dear Sister, Ugh, I'm so confused. I thought Katie Holmes is turning 30...but she looks sort of well, old, in this picture. Old, and slightly possessed - like somehow holding her eyes really open will camouflage the huge bags underneath them. Oh, and is their another remake of The Omen that I don't know about? Because I think Suri is auditioning for it in this picture.

Seriously, Dear Sister. I haven't seen this much "Evil Eye" since Socrates and his Blepedaimones challenged the wisdom of the Oracle at Delphi. Or something like that.

My recommendation? Two slices of cucumber, a hearty grilled-cheese sandwich, and some nail-polish remover for the little one. Oh, and ditch the blanket. It's so 2008.

Best. Gifts. Ever.

All I want for Christmas, Dear Sister, is a fake gift. Like these available from the Onion Store.

This fine selection includes the following: (1) USB Toaster, (1) iFeast, (1) Kleen•Stride, (1) Visorganizer, (1) Peaceful Progression Smoke Alarm, (1) Auto Power Strip. What, no trees that grow spaghetti? No frozen Left-Handed Whoppers? I think those would make great additions...

Dear Sister - Oh no! That's all you want for Christmas? But I was going to get you these:

According to Jessica Simpson, they're the height of fashion. Well, now that I think about it - it's still a fake gift - because no one in their right mine would consider these as actual shoes. I think they match the USB Toaster brilliantly!

Read My Lips

It shouldn't be hard, dear sister, since I'm wearing them on my finger! Add a bit of Barbie bling with these one-of-a-kind jewelry pieces from Margaux Lange. Just don't expect this kind of style to come cheap.

Barbie Beach Party Teresa Doll from Toys "R" Us: $6.49.

Pink Barbie Smile Ring: $140.00.

Getting someone to kiss your ring: Priceless.

Dear Sister, I know that you always have your ear to the ground for the latest fad, and for that skill, I would give an arm. But don't forget, when spreading the trends by word of mouth, try not to be a boob about it.

Really?

Yes, dear sister. Really...