I CAN'T BELIEVE IT

I HAD NO IDEA THAT KANYE WAS MAKING A MOVIE. I MEAN AFTER HE METAPHORICALLY BEAT DOWN TAYLOR SWIFT, I THOUGHT HE'D LAY LOW, BUT DANG THAT MAN IS BACK AND MAKING MOVIES...I'M GONNA GET KANYE ON THIS POSTER...

Oh, wait...not Kanye? But the glasses, they're gold...and the whole thing is over the top. I mean...oh, another Sex & the City movie? Dang...

I'ma let you finish, Dear Sister, but Samantha has some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time.  Some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time!

Ok.  Carrie on.

Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part II

Oh Dear Sister,
As you know, I've been contemplating training for a 10k. I mean, sure I *did* actually register for it, but that whole putting on running shoes and getting out the door and moving at a speed greater than walking part has thus far failed to materialize. I'm still committed to the event, and today I hit the under-60-day mark. Scary.

Needing some inspiration, I had to look no further than the front page of the New York Times last week, to a story on elderly athletes. One look at this image of 81-82 year olds taking off from the sprinting blocks, and I realized my days of flimsy excuses were over. To wit:

These men have better physiques in their Golden Years than I did in my teens. What gives?

Dear Sister,

Before you become too inspired, I suggest trying to find a picture of what they looked like at the finish line. I say this as the fellow on the right looks like he is simultaneously taking off from the sprinting block and having a heart attack.

I'm off to get McDonald's.

Love,

Your Sister

Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part I

Oh Dear Sister! Look, we're both trying to lose weight right now, get healthier, be more active, all that jazz. So why don't we offer some of our best dieting and fitness tips? No, not the crappy, useless ones you'll find on all those *other* sites, but really useful, helpful information for real women, you know? I'll start...

1. Calling it "aioli" doesn't mask the fact that you're eating mayonnaise. And slathering it on a calorically deprived fungus for a "healthy" sandwich fools no one. Not even those fries sitting next to it on the plate. (Mmm...fries...)

2. Cheese does not have it's own category on the food pyramid. I even looked underneath. Nope, not there. But don't you wish it was, Dear Sister?

Oh, dear Sister, I agree - if only cheese fries had it's own category, it would be like the best of both worlds. Alas, my pining is for naught, so I will add two of my own fun weight loss tips:

3. Despite the fact that you should have at least 3 servings of grain and protein each day, that does not equal eating half a pizza by yourself at 10pm.

4. If after running to catch your bus you need a cool down and a fresh change of clothes, that should probably not be the only time you run during the week.

Dawson's Darling's De-Pantsed

Dear Sister,

I might consider halting my criticism of Mrs. Cruise, but when she walks around looking like Tinkerbell's older, worn-out cousin that has two mortgages and a drug problem, I just can't help myself...

Dear Sister: I see London, I see France, I see Joey Potter's underpants.

Let us never speak of this again.

Food, meet mouth.

Dear Sister,

Why for the love of all that is sacred and holy are small children allowed to eat food like this? It isn't cute or endearing...it's messy and irritating.

Also, why do I feel like Suri's looking at me with the eyes of an old woman?

Oh Dear Sister, where to begin? First of all, eating like a primate is no longer allowed once one is old enough to order a pain du chocolat on ones own at the patisserie. Second, a gleaming robot mother does nothing to discourage such behavior. Third, I believe the old-woman eyes to which you are referring are these:
Drag Me To Hell indeed.

De-pantsing, Stage right, Stat!

Oh Dear Sister, this outfit. This outfit. I mean, the top would perhaps be acceptable with a pencil skirt and a simple pair of pumps. But the pants would be good with...nothing.

Dear Sister, Au contraire, these pants would go beautifully with propane and a match.

Dork-O and his Mutant Orange Date

Dear Sister,

I'm not sure what's going on here. Is Jessica Biel trying to match her skin to her dress? Has she done something to her face? Is Justin worried about wearing his contacts too late at night? And which one is the girl in the relationship again?

Oh Dear Sister, your question are painfully difficult to answer, but I'll try my best. In order of their being asked...

Yes.
Yes (see above).
No - clearly those are x-ray glasses a la Mission Impossible.
Wow - that's a tossup. Judging from her biceps and his overly moisturized skin, I'll have to go with...

Oooh! Shiiiineeeee...

[Insert Clever Title Here]

I'm left agog, Dear Sister, or rather - I should say a"Gaga" - at the sight of these boots. Nine, count 'em NINE sets of laces are there...and that's just the front! Do note that the back laces up, too! I couldn't even come up with a witty title for this posting because I'm left so friggin' speechless.

Chere sister, since I'm speechless as well, I will rely on the infamous wisdom of Ludacris:

I'ts a Ho wide world, that we livin' in

Feline feminine fantastical women

Not all, just some

You Ho who you are

There's Ho's in the room, there's Ho's in the car

There's Ho's on stage, there's Ho's by the bar

Ho's by near and Ho's by far...

Dear Sis, I think you get the point...

Addendum: Ho yes I do!

Flowbee Flub

Well shucks, Dear Sister, I know I've been one to extol the virtues of a good home haircut every now and again, but this looks like the unholy love child of a Flowbee devotee and Totally Hair Ken (replete with doll-size Dep Hair Gel). What was Kellie Pickler thinking?

I have no idea what she's thinking. Perhaps she's not - maybe she's tired or just can't keep her eyes open with all of that makeup. What I do know is now all she needs is a Snuggee!

Someone Save the Children

Dear Sister,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when one is promoting a children's clothing line, one doesn't usually actually wear the clothing meant for the children, correct? I'm quite confused.

Oh Dear Sister, I believe what we have here is an extreme case of Giantism, no? Those are actually full-size horses and Katie Price is just so tall the clothes only appear to be child-sized on her Amazonian frame. At least I'm pretty sure that's what's going on...

Mee-Yow!

Oh Dear Sister, I know how you loves you some leopard print. No piece of furniture is too big, no cat toy too small, to embody your favorite faux fur. But how about trying these Dolce & Gabbana beauties on for size? Don't forget the beribboned tights!

Dear Sister, I'm ordering them right now.

Birds of a Feather

Dear, dear Sister,

I was on Target.com yesterday and what did mine eyes behold? Only a chair of exquisite beauty and taste. A moss print of birds and floral nonetheless? I want, I need, I covet.

Because like Celine's heart, my love of green will go on and on...

That's a great little story, Dear Sister. I almost paid attention. Now let me tell you about this great orange chair I just saw on Target.com. It's orange and floral and...d'oh! It's the exact. Same. Chair.Don't I feel sheepish...

Mirror, mirror on the...er, table?

Dear Sister,

I saw this and immediately thought of you and your love of mirrored furniture. I mean, what could be better than the ability to play ping pong while seeing the reflection of the world around you...too bad this fabulous apartment addition is stuck as part of of the "Reflection" exhibit by Argentinian artist Rirkrit Tiravanija at the Nyehaus Gallery in New York. One can dream, sis, one can dream.

Oh dear sister, I knew Rirkit was going to pull something like this! The last time we talked - at the Galerie für Zeitgenössische Kunst in Leipzig - I challenged him to, and I quote, "Reflect on the sport made popular by Hamley's of Regent Street." Little did I know he'd take me so literally!

I must say, I'm slightly embarassed, but just a tiny bit flattered...

My Little Pony

SJP is so cute when she tries hard. Hence, these shoes:

Dear Sister, to this trend I say both "nay" and "neigh."

Oh Dear Sister, I see your bad pun and raise you a haiku:

Sarah Jessica
Why the leather cloven hoof?
Quit horsing around

Now all my dreams have come true

Dear Sister, a couple years ago you forced me to watch American Idol. And by force, I mean you turned it on and I couldn't turn away. And yes, that was the year of Sanjaya. Just when I thought I could file that experience under "Things that make me want to claw my eyes out," he's back - and I'm so afraid.

And no, no one should ever title their first single as such - because he's the only one who cares about the music in his head.

Gosh, Dear Sister, you'd better get thee to an eye doctor today, because between the burning and the clawing, I'm guessing it's going to take more than Visine to get the red out. But alas, I digress.

Let's be honest: Sanjaya's luscious locks and exorbitant eyebrows - not to mention that 14-year-old facial scruff - are simply too magnetic to resist. If the music in his head is manifesting itself in the hair on his head, then I say dance. Dance! Dance like you've never danced before...

Oh, Pixie Geldof

Dear Sister, my eyes are burning....BURNING.

Oh Dear Sister. Next time I hope Pixie "Stix" with one print!