Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I just threw up in my mouth a little

Dear Sister,

I think Skeletor has lost some weight...or am I just imagining it? George Romero making a new zombie film?

It's a person, right?

Why do I feel like I need a donut?

Dear Sister: In the immortal words of one Homer Simpson, "Mmm...donuts."  Yes, perhaps Ms. Zoe should engage with the Lard Lad a bit more, but let's be honest: how else would she manage to cut down on dry cleaning bills and scrub her laundry on her very own clavicle?  She would not, I tell you.

Thursday, December 10, 2009



Oh, wait...not Kanye? But the glasses, they're gold...and the whole thing is over the top. I mean...oh, another Sex & the City movie? Dang...

I'ma let you finish, Dear Sister, but Samantha has some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time.  Some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time!

Ok.  Carrie on.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part II

Oh Dear Sister,
As you know, I've been contemplating training for a 10k. I mean, sure I *did* actually register for it, but that whole putting on running shoes and getting out the door and moving at a speed greater than walking part has thus far failed to materialize. I'm still committed to the event, and today I hit the under-60-day mark. Scary.

Needing some inspiration, I had to look no further than the front page of the New York Times last week, to a story on elderly athletes. One look at this image of 81-82 year olds taking off from the sprinting blocks, and I realized my days of flimsy excuses were over. To wit:

These men have better physiques in their Golden Years than I did in my teens. What gives?

Dear Sister,

Before you become too inspired, I suggest trying to find a picture of what they looked like at the finish line. I say this as the fellow on the right looks like he is simultaneously taking off from the sprinting block and having a heart attack.

I'm off to get McDonald's.


Your Sister

Monday, July 27, 2009

Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part I

Oh Dear Sister! Look, we're both trying to lose weight right now, get healthier, be more active, all that jazz. So why don't we offer some of our best dieting and fitness tips? No, not the crappy, useless ones you'll find on all those *other* sites, but really useful, helpful information for real women, you know? I'll start...

1. Calling it "aioli" doesn't mask the fact that you're eating mayonnaise. And slathering it on a calorically deprived fungus for a "healthy" sandwich fools no one. Not even those fries sitting next to it on the plate. (Mmm...fries...)

2. Cheese does not have it's own category on the food pyramid. I even looked underneath. Nope, not there. But don't you wish it was, Dear Sister?

Oh, dear Sister, I agree - if only cheese fries had it's own category, it would be like the best of both worlds. Alas, my pining is for naught, so I will add two of my own fun weight loss tips:

3. Despite the fact that you should have at least 3 servings of grain and protein each day, that does not equal eating half a pizza by yourself at 10pm.

4. If after running to catch your bus you need a cool down and a fresh change of clothes, that should probably not be the only time you run during the week.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Dawson's Darling's De-Pantsed

Dear Sister,

I might consider halting my criticism of Mrs. Cruise, but when she walks around looking like Tinkerbell's older, worn-out cousin that has two mortgages and a drug problem, I just can't help myself...

Dear Sister: I see London, I see France, I see Joey Potter's underpants.

Let us never speak of this again.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Food, meet mouth.

Dear Sister,

Why for the love of all that is sacred and holy are small children allowed to eat food like this? It isn't cute or endearing...it's messy and irritating.

Also, why do I feel like Suri's looking at me with the eyes of an old woman?

Oh Dear Sister, where to begin? First of all, eating like a primate is no longer allowed once one is old enough to order a pain du chocolat on ones own at the patisserie. Second, a gleaming robot mother does nothing to discourage such behavior. Third, I believe the old-woman eyes to which you are referring are these:
Drag Me To Hell indeed.

Monday, May 18, 2009

De-pantsing, Stage right, Stat!

Oh Dear Sister, this outfit. This outfit. I mean, the top would perhaps be acceptable with a pencil skirt and a simple pair of pumps. But the pants would be good with...nothing.

Dear Sister, Au contraire, these pants would go beautifully with propane and a match.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Dork-O and his Mutant Orange Date

Dear Sister,

I'm not sure what's going on here. Is Jessica Biel trying to match her skin to her dress? Has she done something to her face? Is Justin worried about wearing his contacts too late at night? And which one is the girl in the relationship again?

Oh Dear Sister, your question are painfully difficult to answer, but I'll try my best. In order of their being asked...

Yes (see above).
No - clearly those are x-ray glasses a la Mission Impossible.
Wow - that's a tossup. Judging from her biceps and his overly moisturized skin, I'll have to go with...

Oooh! Shiiiineeeee...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

[Insert Clever Title Here]

I'm left agog, Dear Sister, or rather - I should say a"Gaga" - at the sight of these boots. Nine, count 'em NINE sets of laces are there...and that's just the front! Do note that the back laces up, too! I couldn't even come up with a witty title for this posting because I'm left so friggin' speechless.

Chere sister, since I'm speechless as well, I will rely on the infamous wisdom of Ludacris:

I'ts a Ho wide world, that we livin' in

Feline feminine fantastical women

Not all, just some

You Ho who you are

There's Ho's in the room, there's Ho's in the car

There's Ho's on stage, there's Ho's by the bar

Ho's by near and Ho's by far...

Dear Sis, I think you get the point...

Addendum: Ho yes I do!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Flowbee Flub

Well shucks, Dear Sister, I know I've been one to extol the virtues of a good home haircut every now and again, but this looks like the unholy love child of a Flowbee devotee and Totally Hair Ken (replete with doll-size Dep Hair Gel). What was Kellie Pickler thinking?

I have no idea what she's thinking. Perhaps she's not - maybe she's tired or just can't keep her eyes open with all of that makeup. What I do know is now all she needs is a Snuggee!