The Snark Sisters

I just threw up in my mouth a little

2010-01-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister,

I think Skeletor has lost some weight...or am I just imagining it? George Romero making a new zombie film?

It's a person, right?

Why do I feel like I need a donut?

Dear Sister: In the immortal words of one Homer Simpson, "Mmm...donuts." Yes, perhaps Ms. Zoe should engage with the Lard Lad a bit more, but let's be honest: how else would she manage to cut down on dry cleaning bills and scrub her laundry on her very own clavicle? She would not, I tell you.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT

2009-12-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

I HAD NO IDEA THAT KANYE WAS MAKING A MOVIE. I MEAN AFTER HE METAPHORICALLY BEAT DOWN TAYLOR SWIFT, I THOUGHT HE'D LAY LOW, BUT DANG THAT MAN IS BACK AND MAKING MOVIES...I'M GONNA GET KANYE ON THIS POSTER...

Oh, wait...not Kanye? But the glasses, they're gold...and the whole thing is over the top. I mean...oh, another Sex & the City movie? Dang...

I'ma let you finish, Dear Sister, but Samantha has some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time. Some of the best sunglasses and legs of all time!

Ok. Carrie on.

Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part II

2009-08-26T06:31:00.001-07:00

Oh Dear Sister,
As you know, I've been contemplating training for a 10k. I mean, sure I *did* actually register for it, but that whole putting on running shoes and getting out the door and moving at a speed greater than walking part has thus far failed to materialize. I'm still committed to the event, and today I hit the under-60-day mark. Scary.

Needing some inspiration, I had to look no further than the front page of the New York Times last week, to a story on elderly athletes. One look at this image of 81-82 year olds taking off from the sprinting blocks, and I realized my days of flimsy excuses were over. To wit:

These men have better physiques in their Golden Years than I did in my teens. What gives?

Dear Sister,

Before you become too inspired, I suggest trying to find a picture of what they looked like at the finish line. I say this as the fellow on the right looks like he is simultaneously taking off from the sprinting block and having a heart attack.

I'm off to get McDonald's.

Love,

Your Sister

Eat This, Not That (DUH) - Part I

2009-07-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Dear Sister! Look, we're both trying to lose weight right now, get healthier, be more active, all that jazz. So why don't we offer some of our best dieting and fitness tips? No, not the crappy, useless ones you'll find on all those *other* sites, but really useful, helpful information for real women, you know? I'll start...

1. Calling it "aioli" doesn't mask the fact that you're eating mayonnaise. And slathering it on a calorically deprived fungus for a "healthy" sandwich fools no one. Not even those fries sitting next to it on the plate. (Mmm...fries...)

2. Cheese does not have it's own category on the food pyramid. I even looked underneath. Nope, not there. But don't you wish it was, Dear Sister?

Oh, dear Sister, I agree - if only cheese fries had it's own category, it would be like the best of both worlds. Alas, my pining is for naught, so I will add two of my own fun weight loss tips:

3. Despite the fact that you should have at least 3 servings of grain and protein each day, that does not equal eating half a pizza by yourself at 10pm.

4. If after running to catch your bus you need a cool down and a fresh change of clothes, that should probably not be the only time you run during the week.

Dawson's Darling's De-Pantsed

2009-06-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Sister,

I might consider halting my criticism of Mrs. Cruise, but when she walks around looking like Tinkerbell's older, worn-out cousin that has two mortgages and a drug problem, I just can't help myself...

Dear Sister: I see London, I see France, I see Joey Potter's underpants.

Let us never speak of this again.

Food, meet mouth.

2009-06-01T13:54:00.001-07:00

Dear Sister,

Why for the love of all that is sacred and holy are small children allowed to eat food like this? It isn't cute or endearing...it's messy and irritating.

Also, why do I feel like Suri's looking at me with the eyes of an old woman?

Oh Dear Sister, where to begin? First of all, eating like a primate is no longer allowed once one is old enough to order a pain du chocolat on ones own at the patisserie. Second, a gleaming robot mother does nothing to discourage such behavior. Third, I believe the old-woman eyes to which you are referring are these:
Drag Me To Hell indeed.

De-pantsing, Stage right, Stat!

2009-05-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

Oh Dear Sister, this outfit. This outfit. I mean, the top would perhaps be acceptable with a pencil skirt and a simple pair of pumps. But the pants would be good with...nothing.

Dear Sister, Au contraire, these pants would go beautifully with propane and a match.

Dork-O and his Mutant Orange Date

2009-05-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Sister,

I'm not sure what's going on here. Is Jessica Biel trying to match her skin to her dress? Has she done something to her face? Is Justin worried about wearing his contacts too late at night? And which one is the girl in the relationship again?

Oh Dear Sister, your question are painfully difficult to answer, but I'll try my best. In order of their being asked...

Yes.
Yes (see above).
No - clearly those are x-ray glasses a la Mission Impossible.
Wow - that's a tossup. Judging from her biceps and his overly moisturized skin, I'll have to go with...

Oooh! Shiiiineeeee...

[Insert Clever Title Here]

2009-04-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm left agog, Dear Sister, or rather - I should say a"Gaga" - at the sight of these boots. Nine, count 'em NINE sets of laces are there...and that's just the front! Do note that the back laces up, too! I couldn't even come up with a witty title for this posting because I'm left so friggin' speechless.

Chere sister, since I'm speechless as well, I will rely on the infamous wisdom of Ludacris:

I'ts a Ho wide world, that we livin' in

Feline feminine fantastical women

Not all, just some

You Ho who you are

There's Ho's in the room, there's Ho's in the car

There's Ho's on stage, there's Ho's by the bar

Ho's by near and Ho's by far...

Dear Sis, I think you get the point...

Addendum: Ho yes I do!

Flowbee Flub

2009-03-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well shucks, Dear Sister, I know I've been one to extol the virtues of a good home haircut every now and again, but this looks like the unholy love child of a Flowbee devotee and Totally Hair Ken (replete with doll-size Dep Hair Gel). What was Kellie Pickler thinking?

I have no idea what she's thinking. Perhaps she's not - maybe she's tired or just can't keep her eyes open with all of that makeup. What I do know is now all she needs is a Snuggee!

Someone Save the Children

2009-03-23T12:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Sister,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when one is promoting a children's clothing line, one doesn't usually actually wear the clothing meant for the children, correct? I'm quite confused.

Oh Dear Sister, I believe what we have here is an extreme case of Giantism, no? Those are actually full-size horses and Katie Price is just so tall the clothes only appear to be child-sized on her Amazonian frame. At least I'm pretty sure that's what's going on...

Mee-Yow!

2009-03-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

Oh Dear Sister, I know how you loves you some leopard print. No piece of furniture is too big, no cat toy too small, to embody your favorite faux fur. But how about trying these Dolce & Gabbana beauties on for size? Don't forget the beribboned tights!

Dear Sister, I'm ordering them right now.

Birds of a Feather

2009-02-27T08:13:00.001-08:00

Dear, dear Sister,

I was on Target.com yesterday and what did mine eyes behold? Only a chair of exquisite beauty and taste. A moss print of birds and floral nonetheless? I want, I need, I covet.

Because like Celine's heart, my love of green will go on and on...

That's a great little story, Dear Sister. I almost paid attention. Now let me tell you about this great orange chair I just saw on Target.com. It's orange and floral and...d'oh! It's the exact. Same. Chair.Don't I feel sheepish...

Mirror, mirror on the...er, table?

2009-02-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister,

I saw this and immediately thought of you and your love of mirrored furniture. I mean, what could be better than the ability to play ping pong while seeing the reflection of the world around you...too bad this fabulous apartment addition is stuck as part of of the "Reflection" exhibit by Argentinian artist Rirkrit Tiravanija at the Nyehaus Gallery in New York. One can dream, sis, one can dream.

Oh dear sister, I knew Rirkit was going to pull something like this! The last time we talked - at the Galerie für Zeitgenössische Kunst in Leipzig - I challenged him to, and I quote, "Reflect on the sport made popular by Hamley's of Regent Street." Little did I know he'd take me so literally!

I must say, I'm slightly embarassed, but just a tiny bit flattered...

My Little Pony

2009-02-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

SJP is so cute when she tries hard. Hence, these shoes:

Dear Sister, to this trend I say both "nay" and "neigh."

Oh Dear Sister, I see your bad pun and raise you a haiku:

Sarah Jessica
Why the leather cloven hoof?
Quit horsing around

Now all my dreams have come true

2009-01-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister, a couple years ago you forced me to watch American Idol. And by force, I mean you turned it on and I couldn't turn away. And yes, that was the year of Sanjaya. Just when I thought I could file that experience under "Things that make me want to claw my eyes out," he's back - and I'm so afraid.

And no, no one should ever title their first single as such - because he's the only one who cares about the music in his head.

Gosh, Dear Sister, you'd better get thee to an eye doctor today, because between the burning and the clawing, I'm guessing it's going to take more than Visine to get the red out. But alas, I digress.

Let's be honest: Sanjaya's luscious locks and exorbitant eyebrows - not to mention that 14-year-old facial scruff - are simply too magnetic to resist. If the music in his head is manifesting itself in the hair on his head, then I say dance. Dance! Dance like you've never danced before...

Oh, Pixie Geldof

2009-01-06T07:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister, my eyes are burning....BURNING.

Oh Dear Sister. Next time I hope Pixie "Stix" with one print!

I Want One!

2008-12-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

Oh Dear Sister, how precious is this? An earless rabbit! Okay, so his ears are probably missing because his mother bit them off shortly after he was born, but he surely doesn't remember that tragedy. He was too little. And now he's just so pwecious...

Dear Sister, I 'ear ya on that one.

Addendum: Oh no you di'in't!

A Kitty Kristmas

2008-12-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister, I wanted to help you out this Christmas with a um, I'll go with "unique," idea from this website. Don't all kitties lurve these?

On second thought - good thing my kitty's been declawed - or I would probably be bleeding if I tried to put this on him.

Oh Dear Sister, don't be silly! Of course cats love wearing ridiculous wigs on their heads. Why just the other three months ago, I placed purple pigtails on a-cat-who-shall-remain-nameless's head and he simply loved it. We're talking purr city here. Doesn't he look happy?

It's Christmas, not Halloween, right?

2008-12-18T09:39:00.002-08:00

Dear Sister, Ugh, I'm so confused. I thought Katie Holmes is turning 30...but she looks sort of well, old, in this picture. Old, and slightly possessed - like somehow holding her eyes really open will camouflage the huge bags underneath them. Oh, and is their another remake of The Omen that I don't know about? Because I think Suri is auditioning for it in this picture.

Seriously, Dear Sister. I haven't seen this much "Evil Eye" since Socrates and his Blepedaimones challenged the wisdom of the Oracle at Delphi. Or something like that.

My recommendation? Two slices of cucumber, a hearty grilled-cheese sandwich, and some nail-polish remover for the little one. Oh, and ditch the blanket. It's so 2008.

Smells like desperation

2008-12-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

Dear sister, girl next door my a**. She decrees that she doesn't want attention and then she poses like this on the cover of a men's magazine. She's a "strong, independent" woman, but she can't stop talking about Brangelina. She wants to be known for her career, but all she makes is painfully bad movies. I want to throw up a little bit every time I hear her speak, because she's so whiny I can almost here the the women's movement taking two steps back....Dear sister - what do you advise?

Dear sister, here's what I advise: a bigger tie.

Best. Gifts. Ever.

2008-12-05T09:13:00.001-08:00

All I want for Christmas, Dear Sister, is a fake gift. Like these available from the Onion Store.

This fine selection includes the following: (1) USB Toaster, (1) iFeast, (1) Kleen•Stride, (1) Visorganizer, (1) Peaceful Progression Smoke Alarm, (1) Auto Power Strip. What, no trees that grow spaghetti? No frozen Left-Handed Whoppers? I think those would make great additions...

Dear Sister - Oh no! That's all you want for Christmas? But I was going to get you these:

According to Jessica Simpson, they're the height of fashion. Well, now that I think about it - it's still a fake gift - because no one in their right mine would consider these as actual shoes. I think they match the USB Toaster brilliantly!

Read My Lips

2008-11-12T10:33:00.000-08:00

It shouldn't be hard, dear sister, since I'm wearing them on my finger! Add a bit of Barbie bling with these one-of-a-kind jewelry pieces from Margaux Lange. Just don't expect this kind of style to come cheap.

Barbie Beach Party Teresa Doll from Toys "R" Us: $6.49.

Pink Barbie Smile Ring: $140.00.

Getting someone to kiss your ring: Priceless.

Dear Sister, I know that you always have your ear to the ground for the latest fad, and for that skill, I would give an arm. But don't forget, when spreading the trends by word of mouth, try not to be a boob about it.

Really?

2008-11-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, dear sister. Really...

BoGo gone wrong

2008-11-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

Totes my dear sister, I agree with you on Michelle Obama's choice on red. Though I hardly noticed that night as part of the mass of humanity in Grant Park, but I can only surmise that perhaps Michelle was reclaiming the color red - she is going to OWN that color...own it!!

What I cannot find a reason to is this fun confection of something. I'm drug free and proud, but this outfit makes me doubt that decision.

Dear Sister, I love BoGo time at Payless as much as the next saavy shopper, but never has it crossed my mind to wear one of each at the same time...at least not in the past few months. I'm sure there's a fashion statement in here somewhere, but I can't get past all the patterns and colors. I think perhaps I prefer when Joss Stone chooses to wear no shoes at all on the carpet?

Oh Dear Sister, I...uh...well. Okay, let's just say that- Wait, let me start over. I... For example...

I give up. Words fail me.

Betcha THAT Didn't Cost $150,000

2008-11-05T07:42:00.000-08:00

You know, dear sister, many are criticizing Michelle Obama's choice of dress last night, saying the Narciso Rodriguez frock didn't flatter her frame. But that was the least of my concerns. I think the fit was fine. The bigger question is why did she and her oldest daughter choose red? Isn't that the color of the other party? Where was the tried and true Democratic blue? Curious, don't you think?

Isn't she De-ugly?

2008-11-03T18:30:00.001-08:00

Dear Sister: I think the doves did cry when they saw this cover image. I love Kate Winslet, she's totes awesome. But even she cannot carry the weird lion-mane hare, boring white coat, and overdone airbrushing. The accompanying article, "Isn’t She Deneuvely," is typical Kate - frank and interesting. But my dear fashionista sister, does this cover not make you say Quel horreur??

Oh, Dear Sister, an abomination indeed! And this from a woman who was "outraged" a few years back when GQ reduced her thighs to the size of my upper arms for their cover shoot. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Oh, and the FemBots called: they want their hair back.

Oh, and the Snow Queen called: she wants her coat back.

Oh, and Madonna from 1983 called: she wants her eyebrows back.

Oh, and I'm calling: I want those shoes. Those are actually really cool

Tiny Tim...er Tom

2008-11-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister: Whilst browsing People early this morning, I came across this picture, and my first thought was - has Tom shrunk? I mean based on this picture...

Yes, Dear Sister, he has apparently left the lifts at home this time. More pressing, though, is the constant matching of these two. To wit:

The "Boyfriend Jeans"

The "Awkward Hand-Holding Ill-Fitting Blazers"

and, the "I Can't Believe They're So Identical Looking Suits"

Call me crazy, but I can't help but think that this is the next logical step: